Banishing Bedtime Blues
"My son won’t go to bed at night without a struggle. He keeps getting up with all kinds of excuses. It doesn’t seem to matter what we tell him. Nothing works. What do you recommend?”
This question was posed by a concerned parent in the middle of a fifteen-minute question and answer period following one of my Parent Talk System presentations. I knew a five-minute response to this important question was inadequate, but I offered advice anyway. I don’t recall my exact answer - I think I mumbled something about consistency and the need to keep to a schedule. I’m sure I suggested returning the child to the bedroom as many times as he vacated it. I’m also sure my words were not very helpful or comforting.
Later, as I thought about the bedtime issue and talked it over with friends, I realized there was no way I could have offered a quick solution to this complicated situation. There are too many variables - too many reasons for getting out of bed and too many possible responses.
One effective response is to create a bedtime routine, an evening ritual that remains consistent. This ritual could include a ten-minute warning, dirty clothes in the
hamper, bath, pajamas, teeth brushing, stories, prayer, hugs, and kisses. Routine provides security. When the routine is repeated with consistency, both the parent and the child begin to rely on it. Everyone knows and can anticipate what comes next. Each step follows the previous one, every time.
When there is no set routine, bedtime is easier to resist. There is no expectation of what will happen next, no order of events to fall back on. The evening becomes too open-ended, too open to interpretation, too subject to change.
If you have an ongoing bedtime ritual and your child still resists staying in his or her bedroom, ask yourself, “What does my child need? What is my child trying to get? What does my child want to accomplish?” Then invest some time in figuring out what it is that your child really wants.
For some kids, getting out of bed is related to fear. They may have just had a nightmare, or they may have remembered one from the evening before. Perhaps they are scared of the dark or of being alone. Perhaps they feel insecure when you are out of sight.
If fear is the issue, ask your child, “What would help you feel more safe?”
Tell your child that one of your main roles as a parent is to help him or her feel safe. Then create a plan together. This could be turning on a fan if your child is afraid of noises, or turning on a light if he or she is afraid of the dark. Leave the door open if your child is insecure, or provide a comforting teddy bear to increase feelings of security. Perhaps you could allow the family dog to sleep in your child’s room. One parent agreed to check on his child every half hour, “so you’ll know I’m here,” he told her.
One woman I know had a child who was afraid of monsters. The solution? She filled an old window cleaner bottle with water and labeled it “Monster Spray.”
“This will rid your room of any old monster,” she told her child, “and send it back to its own mommy and daddy.” The “Monster Spray” sat on a bedside table to provide constant reassurance.
Another need that children have is to get in on the action. When exciting things (or perceived exciting things) are going on downstairs, who would want to stay in bed? Your child may hear you laughing, talking on the phone, or watching TV and not want to miss out on any of the good stuff.
If this is the case, make sure the “good stuff” isn’t that good. Turn off the TV. Do something quiet for a few minutes. Or invite your child to join you in doing the dishes, scrubbing the kitchen floor, or bringing in firewood.
Tell your child, “When you’re up, I do things with you. When you go to bed, I have to get my work done. That’s when I do a lot of grown-up stuff. You’re welcome to join me if you want to, but you’ll have to help. Tonight I’m folding laundry. Come on, join in.”
Another reason children resist bedtime is that they aren’t tired yet. Their brains may still be racing at breakneck speed. If so, a routine that encourages them to wind down is helpful. It might be that your child needs a later bedtime, or perhaps it’s time to eliminate that afternoon nap. Without a nap, evening tiredness descends more quickly. Or it could be that you’re letting your child sleep in too late in the morning - of course your child isn’t ready for bed if he or she slept in until 10 o’clock in the morning. It’s a lot easier to get kids up than it is to get them to sleep, so wake your child up earlier.
If your child keeps getting up to get a drink, add drinking to the regular bedtime routine. Provide a special cup that stays in your child’s room. If he or she gets thirsty during the night, your child can use that cup to get a drink and then go directly back to bed.
Remember, the goal with bedtime problems is containment. The idea is to contain the child in the bedroom. Create a safe place and keep returning the child to that safe place. Use the broken record technique if you have to - that’s when you repeat the same sentence over and over as if you were a broken record.
“I know you’d like to stay up. It’s time for you to be in your bed.”
“Just five more minutes, please?”
“I know you’d like to stay up. It’s time for you to be in your bed.”
“I’m not tired.”
“I know you’d like to stay up. It’s time for you to be in your bed.”
If you want to banish the bedtime blues, you’ll have to invest time and energy in doing so. There is no quick fix, no simple answer, no solution that works for every child in every situation. Hang in there. Stay consistent. And remember: This, too, shall pass.
Reproduced with permission from Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller’s monthy E-zine, The Response-Able Parenting Newsletter. All rights reserved worldwide. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller’s monthly E-zine go to http://chickmoorman.com.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller is two of the world’s foremost authorities on raising responsible, caring, confident children. They are the co-author of “The 10 Commitments: Parenting with Purpose.”
Chick Moorman is a veteran educator who has invested more than 40 years working with children, parents, and teachers. More than 300,000 participants have attended his lectures. Chick is an experienced talk show guest who has been on more than 300 radio and television shows in the past five years.
Thomas Haller is a preeminent family and couples therapist. His private psychotherapy practice has specialized in couples and their families for over 25 years. Tom is a highly sought-after speaker on the topics of parenting and coupling. He is the director of the Healing Minds Institute.
Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller are on a mission to empower parents, teachers, and care-givers so they can in turn empower the children they love and serve. To subscribe to Chick Moorman and Thomas Haller’s monthly E-zine on Response-Able Parenting, go to http://chickmoorman.com
October 25th, 2007 at 11:02 pm
My first two children were 18 months apart. From the time my eldest was 3 till 5 yrs of age, bedtime was a nightmare. Their routine was predictable. Dinner-shower-brush teeth-hop into bed-have book read-kiss and cuddle goodnight. This was their routine since the moment they went into a bed. And the routine after saying goodnight was predictable as well. Sometimes they would come out of their rooms consistently for up to three hours! Both of them. One after the other (separate rooms) or both at the same time. Every night was the same. It was so frustrating. They never got the drink they asked for, they never got what they wanted. THey got guided back to bed or told to go back to bed. I couldnt understand why on earth they would continue to rebound out of their beds when their reception was so cranky. I was patient for the first few times but I can tell you that after an hour of repeatedly leading them back to bed my mood deteriorated rapidly. Especially considering this behaviour was long standing you may understand why my patience was so thin on this topic. Anyway, I read a book that explained it was quite simply attention seeking behaviour and the only way to stop the problem was to completely and utterly ignore them. I was at wits end and the book made sense. So I DID it.
I didnt talk to them AT ALL. I didnt look at them AT ALL. When they stood in front of the TV to block my view I just turned the TV off and went to my room. I played deaf , dumb, and blind. My youngest child learnt in just one night! SHe was three and half by then. One night! Granted it was one stressful horrible night as she pulled on all her tricks of the trade to get my attention.
The preschooler took longer. It took her three nights and I can tell you those three nights were pure hell. Both husband and I put ourselves in our bedroom after a while. We had no lock on the door so had to brace ourselves against it to stop her opening it. She bashed on the door, she screamed, cried, yelled, banged. She tried everything and got zero response. Lights getting flicked on and off. Toys thrown. Pleasantly pleading with us. Foot stamping, door thudding. Everything she could think of that would annoy us. And she lasted hours. WE were exhausted and need ed to sleep. It was hard work staying awake and keeping that door shut, our eyes were stinging with tiredness. The next night was the same. And the night after. I can tell you, it was difficult. Especially with a new baby we were trying to keep asleep! And the embarrassment of her noise echoing around the neighbourhood. But on night four we read the book and said goodnight (as we had done for years) and she happily went to sleep. And never a problem since (they are now 12 and 13). My two children that followed were great at going to bed (as I never let the bad habit develop).
So of course I cant recommend this enough. Deaf, dumb and blind. It’s not easy but it works and it works quickly (if you look at days rather than hours hehe)
JO