Developing a Fantastic Relationship with Your Child
Here’s a scene: A parent “might suddenly grab a happliy playing child and shower him with excited hugs and kisses without warning.” What’s wrong with this picture?
I would say that, simply, the parent is not in synch with the child in the case described above. The parent is not on the same page. Yes, parents have to move over to their child’s page to be “on the same page”, not the other way around, starting in infancy. Parents who have no history of being treated with any sensitivity at all will have a hard time with this. But–here’s the clincher–giving up is not an option! Here is how to practice getting more and more able to “read” what page someone is on
Step 1: Guess what they’re thinking/experiencing at the moment and explain to yourself why you think so.
Step 2: Check it out with the person. In a very casual way, just say, “You know, I want to be a more aware person. I’m trying to understand you a little better, so I hope you’ll help me. What I’m trying to do now is guess how you feel and why. Can I run by you what I came up with?”
Step 3:
Be openminded about the answers you get. In other words, if you were way off, don’t go crawl into a corner and say, “Oh, I’ll never get this.” Just write down in a special notebook reserved for this purpose (or talk into a tape recorder) their explanation and what you missed in your thinking the first time. Let the correct answer sink in so that you truly understand where the child came from.
Step 4: Try out your new learnings slowly. As you begin to “get it,” don’t assume you always will. Take slow steps in implementing anything. Think ten times before you react.
In the scene above, quoted from a famous researcher in child development, Ainsworth, if that parent had just slowed down before the hugs and kisses, the problem wouldn’t have occurred. Ask yourself: What would that child like from me by way of response right now? Focus on the child’s perspective. In the Ainsworth case above, that parent was actually selfish. He or she was in the mood to bestow hugs and kisses, but was the child in the mood to get them? Well, if the child is concentrating, then the answer is clearly, “No.” Would you like to be interruped by your child when you’re working on that important project for work? No. Well, the child, even a new infant, doesn’t either. The best thing that parent could have done above, is just be there silently, taking in the world as the baby sees it. This, by the way, is a thrill for a parent, once you stop and make that switch to seeing the world from the child’s perspective. You notice how the baby is fascinated by what we take for granted and it renews our sense of wonder at the Universe. Try it.
Here are four more strategies for developing a deep and strong connection with your child:
The first aspect of talking with your child is sharing the wisdom of your experience. This is for a little older children. Children absolutely hate this, yet it is so important for their development for some of the messages we have to get through.
How do you manage? You have to understand that the reason why they hate it is partly because they can’t relate to it since they haven’t been there, so it has no meaning to them, and partly because it has a faint ring to it of being superior–which makes them feel put down.
Handling this requires tact, slow moves, and subtle ones. Never, ever lecture. They will tune you out and you’ll have accomplished nothing except drive a wedge between the two of you, something you don’t want.
The child will, however, be very receptive if you have followed Gottman’s 5-to-1 rule of giving five positives for every negative comment at a minimum. This is your second strategy. I would guess that the degree of receptiveness is directly proportional to the ratio of positive-to-negative comments. So, if you only give one negative comment in a week and it is stated very tactfully, it will probably be gracefully accepted by your child and he or she will be receptive to your “editorials” on his life.
Third, is to ask questions without making assumptions. (You know what happens to people who assume, right?) Just ask open-ended questions, such as, “What did you think of — ?” or “How are you finding 10th grade?” Be pleasant and inviting. If you have cut out the criticisms and the negatives, this shouldn’t be too hard and should get good results.
Finally, make your comments (if you must make comments) very low key. For example, there’s a friend you don’t care for too much. You could say, “You’re going to the movie with Patricia?” Then kind of raise your eyebrows a little, as if to say, “Hmmmm.” That should be enough. Don’t actually say anything. Let the concern just hang there. Your communication will make your child just nervous enough to be paying closer attention to all the things about Patricia that your child doesn’t notice in her.
Concluding this article, what do you notice that is missing? Come on. Take a moment to look at the whole thing…….What’s missing is fun communication, just play, positive. Not necessarily compliments, just being happy together, sharing time together, joking around, playing, shopping, whatever, having fun. That, my friends, is the most important piece of all.
Dr. Debby Schwarz Hirschhorn, Ph.D.
Marriage and Family Therapist
http://www.abuse-recovery-and-marriage-counseling.com
March 23rd, 2008 at 5:54 pm
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November 15th, 2008 at 10:21 pm
I’ve been thinking a lot about how to have a good relationship with my child and this article has been a great help. Thanks!
February 9th, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Excellent article! I’m a firm believer of the Attachment Theory wherein kids who grew up with a responsive and loving environment tend to be responsive as adults. Hence, parents should shower their kids with the right amount of attention and love.
May 20th, 2009 at 9:02 pm
Communicating with your children is the key to develop a bond that is thicker than water. It will make them grow as a responsible person.
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May 28th, 2010 at 6:56 am
There are some really great ideas here. Can’t wait to put some of these into action. Its really going to bring good vibrations where the vibrations should be.
May 29th, 2010 at 3:11 am
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June 8th, 2010 at 11:00 am
There is a local mom in my area who has middle school aged children, and she has actually developed a website that parents and children can use together to prepare for school. It’s called Qwizzy’s World (www.qwizzysworld.com), and a big reason she designed it was because she was feeling a disconnect with her kids when it came to school and studies. It’s a great way for you to work with your kids and for them to show off their computer savvy to you as well! Might be worth checking out as a fun way to connect with your kids!
June 19th, 2010 at 5:09 pm
Hi there thanks for the right up it was a pretty good read, I only stumbled across it on Google! Keep up the good writing.
June 23rd, 2010 at 6:38 pm
Thanks for this blog! It is very helpful. I’ve been looking for articles about parenting since I have a fast-growing boy myself. I don’t want my child to be disconnected from me.
June 30th, 2010 at 4:08 am
you have great point here. keep up posting.
July 8th, 2010 at 1:15 am
The 5 to 1 rule is a good idea. I guess if a child will hear more negative comments from the parents, it will stick into his system and he will be opting more on negativity.
July 10th, 2010 at 8:09 pm
The first strategy that you mentioned I think, is the best way to connect with a child. Parents should have open communication with their children. With proper communication, there is better understanding between parents and children.
July 13th, 2010 at 12:23 am
The first time I read about the ’scene’ you have mentioned, I could not get why there is something wrong with a parent giving his child hugs and kisses. But as I read on, I understood why. Thank you for these wonderful insights. I will apply it with my relationship with my children.
July 15th, 2010 at 7:50 am
My cousins and their parents are just like sisters/brothers. I admire them.
July 17th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
I agree with Amy. One way of connecting with your kids is sharing some quality time together especially if your children wants to use computer/internet. I usually bond with my little girl by using the internet. We play with dress ups and math games online. And she never fails to thank me everytime we finish playing :).
July 20th, 2010 at 12:17 am
I like the finale of the article. It is very important to have fun communication. I bond with my two daughters as much as I could. I stay open with them, and hear their concerns. And I go shopping with them, even if it is not really a man’s type of thing, but by sharing time with them, I get to know them better as my daughters.
July 22nd, 2010 at 12:08 am
Every thing that is mentioned in this article are great! Every parent should read this. Sometimes, we, parents think that we know it all about raising our children and maintaining a good relationship with them. However, there are blind areas. And those blind areas are given light in this article.
July 22nd, 2010 at 11:34 pm
Kids grow up so fast. And in their growing years, it is that time when they are very receptive. So, during these times, parents should give them the love, attention and time that they need. When parents become too busy with work or other things, they lose their connection with their children. And when they do, they lose the very important part of the life of their children.. that is their childhood.
August 21st, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Looking forward to more! Bookmarked the site and will be back again!
August 25th, 2010 at 5:40 pm
Thanks for sharing this informative post. The suggested parenting tips are helpful. As parenting today’s children is proving to be a tough task for parents these days, it is always advisable to take specialized professionals tips to provide better parenting.
August 26th, 2010 at 1:06 am
We may think that we are very well-versed when it comes to raising our children, but in reality, we still need guidance and other point of view from other parents as well. It is very important to review the points presented here and maybe ponder on what is the missing factor in raising our children.
September 1st, 2010 at 5:18 pm
My baby is so hyperactive so I’m constantly looking for games to keep her busy, any ideas? -Mickey Buarao