How to Speak Love Language #2: Words of Affirmation
We all have to communicate through words. Children learn to speak not only by mimicking adults, but also taking a process through which their parents and other adults interact with them. The whole learning process involves understanding the meanings of words as well as receiving emotional messages.
Words of affection, praise, encouragement and affirmation with positive guidance wiill nurture your child’s inner sense of worth and security. Whereas words spoken out of frustration or anger can hurt a child’s self-esteem. An ancient Hebrew proverb quoted by Dr. Chapman states this truth vividly, “The tongue has the power of life and death.”
As parents, we shouldn’t underestimate the power of our words and the impact of our genuine praise on our children.
Alice, now a mother of two, says, “I remember how my mother used to talk about my beautiful red hair. Her positive comments as she combed my hair before school have been a constant part of my self-perception. Years later when I discovered that we redheads are in the minority, I never had negative feelings about my red hair. I’m sure my mother’s loving comments had a lot to do with that.”
When you want to build up your child’s self-esteem by words of praise, take the following tips into account in order to make your words effective. You might have known and been using some of these strategies. Reading these tips would reinforce or inspire you with some more creative words to speak to your child, though.
1.Don’t be careless and give vague comments, like, “You are a good boy or a good girl.”- it works for younger children, but not for older ones, teens or grownups. Say these words when your child has done something for which he/she feels good and would expect a compliment.
2.Praises used too frequently will have little effect.
3.The words have to be both true and justified, even when your child would like to have some words of affirmation from you. Without any genuine expression, they’ll regard it as flattery, or a lie otherwise.
4.Know how to handle your own emotions appropriately and maturely, especially in frustration and/or anger. No encouraging message would come out from our mouths when we are still struggling with our emotions, even though we think we are saying some correct words.
5.Learn how to speak softly and in a pleasant way.
6.Using questions whenever possible, rather than issuing commands. Have a look at these two expressions, which one would you be more encouraged to response: “Do this now!” or “I’d like to have your help. Would you do this for me?” Using questions will bring better response from older children, teenagers or grownups especially.
7.Learn to catch your child being or doing good and then commend him/her for it. Then your words would not be vague, but substantial instead. For example, “When you shared your toys with Bob, I felt very proud of you. Because you are very considerate.”
8.Children not only need encouragement, but also guidance. Dr. Chapman has got very good observation and writes, “All children are guided by someone. If you as their parents are not their primary guides, then other influences and individuals assume that role – school, television, other adults, or children who are getting their guidance from someone else.” Thus, make every effort to give loving guidance but not harsh reprimand. Convey positive message in a positive manner and in a right tone of voice will certainly get positive response. “Don’t smoke.” “Don’t get pregnant.” “Don’t experiment with drugs.” or “Don’t exceed the speed limit.” These prohibitions are all good warnings with good intentions, but hardly enough guidance to develop a meaningful life. The better choices are like saying you feel sorry when you see someone being on drugs, or expressing your concern for the parents whose children are on drugs, or showing some articles of accidents and deaths that involve drugs and alcohol in some tactful ways.
9.Don’t be tempted to say, “I love you…. will you do this for me?” It dilutes the message of love with conditional statements. Your child will feel manipulated.
10.Learn to speak in a new and positive way and break the old pattern. If we, as parents, fall back into old patterns of condemnation or negativism, be courage enough to own our problems and say sorry to our children.
The benefits of learning how to speak the words of affirmation are many: you are upbringing a child with high self-esteem, and your child will know how to speak the same love language to you some day in the future.
Related articles:
Know How to Speak the Love Language
How to Speak Love Language #1: Physical Touch
How to Speak Love Language #3: Quality Time
How to Speak Love Language #4 Gifts
How to Speak Love Language #5 Acts of Service
April 12th, 2007 at 4:22 am
I can totally relate to all of this. If you have time my blog will explain. Thanks for being in my circle.