Make Praise Appropriate, Not Addictive
In Alfie Kohn’s excellent article, he stressed that there are five reasons to stop saying “Good Job!”
1. Manipulating children.
2. Creating praise junkies.
3. Stealing a child’s pleasure.
4. Losing interest.
5. Reducing achievement.
I couldn’t agree more. Indeed the phrase of “Good Job” is so vague that the praised child won’t know what and how good he/she did. To the worse, the sense of being manipulated will easily be aroused. What our children need is our unconditional love. Although our children don’t (can’t) do any “good job”, we still love them. However, from time to time our children do need our affirmation and encouragement as well. We can’t keep silent when they need any acknowledgement.
Ruth A. Peters, Ph.D. in her book, Laying Down the Law: The 25 Laws of Parenting to Keep Your Kids on Track, Out of Trouble, and (Pretty Much) Under Control, offers advice on making praise appropriate for your child that won’t turn him/her into a praise junkie:
Praise is like frosting on a cake. A little makes it taste better and too much will ruin everything. Kids need your encouragement and love it when you recognize their accomplishments. Just don’t ruin their trust by leading them to believe every little thing they do is worthy of adoration and a chorus of cheers. When they find out otherwise, they’ll be crushed and probably blame you for making them so needy of approval.
Here’s a glimpse of an excerpt of the book posted over at MSNBC :
Praise the process rather than the person. Do say “Stacking blocks is tough for a little guy like you, let’s keep trying,” rather than “You’re so smart. Stacking blocks will be a piece of cake!”
Be specific. Praise so that your kids will understand exactly what behaviors you are complimenting. Say, “That was a tough math problem and I saw that you were becoming frustrated. But you stuck with it,” rather than, “Good job on your math homework.”
Tag: Parenting